RELATIONSHIPS

7 Ways to End Your Relationship as Peacefully as Possible

Most people would like to be the one who puts an end to a bad relationship rather than being dumped by their loved one. But the fact is that, even if you want to end your relationship, it’s not easy to tell someone that it’s over. That’s right, essentially breaking up is a lose-lose situation. Breaking up with your partner may be necessary at some point but let it have the dignity that your relationship did.
Ending a relationship is all the more difficult when it is not by mutual consent. When one of the partners has to initiate the break in the relationship, it can turn into a situation filled with anger, sadness, confusion and frustration and therefore must be handled with care and lots of thought. Here are 7 tips that might help you along the way to a peaceful break-up.


1. Acknowledge
Acknowledge that the relationship is really over. Come to terms with your own feelings and make a firm decision to end the relationship. Accept that your relationship is not working and make a firm and clear decision to break up. All relationships that come to end do so for different reasons. Here are some common issues that end up breaking up a bond: you always feel frustrated, you find reasons to spend time apart, you wish your relationship was more like the way it was in the beginning, you changed your values, beliefs or goals to accommodate your partner with the hope that the relationship would get better but it didn’t, you have cut off close relationships with friends and family members to be with your partner, or you are being physically, emotionally or sexually abused. Pinpoint the issues that are untreatable so that you have a solid foundation and reason for the break up. Telling someone you want to break up just because “you’re not feeling ‘it’ anymore,” is a hard pill to swallow. Respect your soon to be ex and give solid reasons for your actions


2. Don’t delay the inevitable
Once you decide to break up with your partner, immediately think about how, when and where you will take action. Once you decide to end your relationship, don’t delay it, immediately plan how, where and when you can take action. Ensure that you discuss the matter between the two of you and never send a third party to convey the message that you want to end the relationship with him. Make sure that you assess the issue from a clear, rational perspective and never make a decision, especially this big, when you feel angry. Take the time to consider the consequences of all your possible actions. Whatever you choose to do, you must be confident in your decision



3. Be Confident
The moment you decide to break up with somebody, you have to realize that it implies that a conversation to resolve issues is not even a possibility. If it is a possibility for you, maybe you should think of approaching your talk with your man as more of a relationship-counseling sort of way, instead of a break up. Generally speaking, break ups do not get reversed and the relationship will be unsalvageable. Not being totally sure of your feelings when you go to end a relationship can mess with your heart and his. If you’re not completely certain that it’s the right thing to do, you’ll confuse him and make him feel like he still has a chance, or worse, you’ll lose him when you still have feelings for him. Be totally ready to cut the ties or risk more heartache than necessary.


4. Find a Neutral Setting
The best place to have “the talk” is a private, neutral setting where the two of you will have the privacy to freely express yourselves and show your emotions. Restaurants and other public places are generally a bad idea. The last thing you want is your partner weeping, yelling or calling you names in front of a live audience. Approach the topic when both of you are calm and rational and don’t announce your intention to break up during a heated argument or a moment of anger. On the other hand, if you are afraid that your partner may react violently, definitely end your relationship in a public setting where you can call for help if necessary. Never break up with someone at work. And avoid at all costs ending a relationship over the phone, via email or with a “Dear John” letter. You’re not in high school. If you are going to end a relationship with someone, have the courage and the decency to do it face to face.


5. Don’t Blame
First and foremost, never blame your partner while ending a relationship. People break up for various reasons. Often, the break up occurs because the relationship didn’t work out. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work. You have to realize that the experiences in your relationships, and issues that came up did so to teach you a lesson. It’s hard to see what “lesson” is taught after being cheated on, for example, but if you look deep enough you might reflect back on some times you were a little too naïve, or ignored blaring red flags. Whatever the case, think of your relationship as a rough draft. You learn what worked for you and what didn’t make sense, so that you can revise your issues and make it even better next time


6. Anticipate His Reaction
There are four main reactions that you can expect when you break up with someone: silence, sadness and crying, an outburst of anger or rage, or questions about your decision. Think about which of these reactions you can expect from your partner and how you will deal with them. It is a good idea to prepare yourself for any and all scenarios when ending a relationship.


7. Respect & Honesty
Remind your partner that you’ll never forget the positive qualities in your relationship, but emphasize that you’re ready to move on with your life. If you leave a person with respect you will always have their respect. “Do for them as you would have them do for you” is a very good rule of thumb to guide you through an unpleasant and unhappy time.
It isn’t easy to tell someone to their face that you don’t want to be their partner any more. This is especially hard if you have been a couple for a very long time. This is where the honesty comes to play so that you leave the person with as much of their own self-respect as possible. Tell him why you need to move on and answer any questions he may throw at you as honestly as you can. Think about the times you were dumped for no reason. How did you feel? It probably frustrated you wondering why, when things appeared to be going so well, he decided to end it. Be fair and be honest with your man and give him a final taste of your class and respect to give yourself the highest chance of ending your relationship peacefully.

Read more at http://madamenoire.com/114436/7-ways-to-end-your-relationship-as-peaceful-as-possible/#Ou001C014gMUBjRY.99

How to Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You

Loving someone who doesn’t love you is one of the most hopeless feelings in the world because it isn’t something you can control. Then again, this is exactly why you need to start the healing process: it’s not your fault, there’s nothing you could have done differently, and the only thing left to do is move on. For help with this, read on.

1.     Focus on the negative. No, really. Being in love makes you so starry-eyed that you’ll overlook just about anything from tiny annoyances to huge character flaws. Though you don’t need to start a crusade to turn the person you care about into a monster, it’s time to start thinking of some bad things to balance out the good ones. Whether this person had a tendency to interrupt people, dress badly, be rude to wait staff, listen to horrible music, show up late all the time, disrespect your belief system, or have clammy hands, anything is fair game.

o    Write it all down. Make the list as long as you can, then dredge up as many memories as you can for each one. Doing this will help kill your idealized vision of the person.

2.   2

Get rid of mementos. Been hanging on to a note, a teddy bear, a series of emails and IMs, or a long-since-mummified rose? Make space for a new person in your life by letting these things go. In fact, make a mini ceremony for it. As you go through each item, think of the memory associated with it, then imagine putting that memory in a balloon. As you get rid of the thing, imagine the balloon drifting away never to be seen again.

o    If you have physical objects that are in good shape, consider donating them to a thrift store or the Salvation Army. Imagine the all the happy new memories that oversized sweatshirt / teddy bear / CD will make for its new owner, and then let these new associations symbolize the transformation you’re undergoing in your own life.

3.   3

Avoid memory-triggers. If you associate the person with a particular song or album, stop listening. If you always used to hang out in a certain spot, stop going. If you have a lot of mutual friends, make a point of hanging out with other people. If you still see each other regularly, stop if at all possible. (This may be difficult at work or school, but you can start by wearing headphones when they’re around, eating lunch somewhere else, walking along new routes, etc.) Don’t surround yourself with mental and emotional reminders; it’s no substitute for having the real thing and will just delay the healing.

4.   4

Find creative ways to stop dwelling on the person. While it’s impossible to not think about something, it is possible to divert your thoughts elsewhere whenever you start to go down that rabbit hole. Every time those memories bubble up, distract yourself with another thought, activity, or project. Call a friend. Pick up a real page-turner of a book. Watch a hilarious movie. Build something. Work in the garden. Do math. Find anything that will engage you for long enough to get the person off your mind for a while. The more of a habit you make of not thinking about the person, the easier it will become.

o    Stop saying: 1) I cannot live without them; 2) I cannot stop loving them; 3) I love this person more than any other; 4) I cannot love anyone else; 5) There is no one better than this person; 6) They are perfect. If you have ever loved before, you know that these beliefs will change with time.

5.   5

Step outside your comfort zone. Studies show that doing something new, such as going on vacation or even taking a different route to work, is one of the absolute best ways to you to break old habits and replace them with new ones. (In fact, this is so well documented that some big box stores try to identify and target pregnant women because they’re at a critical transition point in life… and are therefore great candidates for developing new shopping habits!^[1]) If you can’t afford to do this in a big way, make little, everyday changes. Visit a new part of town. Try a new hangout on Saturday night. Get into a new band. Learn a new hobby. The possibilities are endless.

6.   6

Think of everything you’ve been missing. How long have you been in love with this person now? Months? Years? And in that time, how many opportunities for other relationships do you think you have passed up? Remember, the next love of your life is out there right now wondering when they’ll find you. Don’t waste another moment being unavailable.

7.   7

Get back in the game. Put yourself out there, meet new people, flirt, and remind yourself how great it feels to be a catch. Your confidence surely needs the boost – and in the meantime, you’ll meet interesting new people. In fact, every time someone is better in some way than the person you’ve been chasing – better looking, funnier, smarter, more down to earth – make note of it. It’ll put things into perspective.

o    Be very careful with rebounding. While sometimes a rebound is just what the doctor ordered, it only works when a) you’re emotionally ready for it, b) you’re honest with yourself about the fact that it’s a rebound, and c) you’re honest with the other person about the fact that it’s a rebound. Don’t make this new person feel as miserably in love with you as you are with the person you’re trying to get over.

8.   8

Don’t be ashamed of having loved and lost. In some cases, it can be impossible to stop loving someone, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Loving another person is a beautiful, selfless act, even if it doesn’t result in a relationship. With time, the hurt will lessen, you will become interested in someone else, and you’ll create new love. If there’s anything the world needs more of, it’s that.

9.   9

Keep looking for another person. It's good option to keep looking for another person of your match. Sometime it may take time but you don't know when fortune takes your turn

 

WANAUME WACHOYO

Jamani kuna jambo linanikwazaga akilini hivi mtu unaoa kwa sababu gani ?????? am talking about vijana wa leo.unaoa kwasababu ya fashen au unaoa kuwadhirisha watu au wazazi wako au unafeel kuoa au unaoa kutokana na matamanio???

Hili swali nimekuwa nalo akilini mda mrefu maana most of the case nazozipata hapa mjini ni wanaume kutokupenda kuhudumia nyumba zao.yaani mtu nyumba yake hajuwi mnakula nini mahitaji yanatoka wapi akiambiwa kuhusu matumizi anakuwa mkali??hivi inakuingia akilini mtu na akili zako timamu??kweli huachi hela ya chakula then unataka ule vyakula vizuri yaani mkeo apate wapi hela???au unataka usaidiwe kulishiwa nyumba yako??

Naongelea wanaume ambao ni wabinafsi chake chake chako cha familia au mtu kama huyu tumueleweje jamani??au tuwaeleweje jamani.nikwamba hajui maana ya majukumu ya mume ndani ya nyumba hebu tujaribu kufunguka jamani kwanini uwe mbinafsi kwa mke na watoto wako au kwa familia yako unataka nani aihudumie???

Naomba kama we ni mwanaume na unasoma hebu tujaribu kubadilika jamani kama unakuwa hujuwi jinsi ya kuishi ndani ya nyumba please ongea hata na wanaume wenzio wakushauri kuwa kama mwanaume unatakiwa uishi vipi ndani ya nyumba na majukumu yako ni yapi as aman.

from
lila kim

 

 

 

 

 

Love Letter 2013

Have you ever been so in love with someone, that you fall in love with the little things about them? The way they look when they are thinking, or focusing on something. The way their face lights up when they talk about something they absolutely love. The way they talk to other people, their facial expressions and their hand gestures. And just the looks they give you. The way they smile and laugh w ith you. The look in their eyes before they lean in to kiss you. When they run their hands down your arms and lock their fingers with yours. And oh, the goosebumps and butterflies they gave you. When they pull you into a hug and you feel all their muscles relax and yours do too, because in that moment, everything is utterly perfect and you feel so safe. And when you catch yourself looking at them, wondering what they are thinking. You are not only in love with their and personality, you're in love with their soul, every fiber of their being. And just the way they exist amazes you. It fascinates you, and you want to know every little thing about them... now tell me how is someone suppose to get over that?

How Can Trust Be Restored; After An Affair?

‘It’s Over!’ 10 Breakup Survival Tips to Get You Through It – Sheri Meyers

You just got dumped, or maybe you broke up with someone. You just want to curl up and retreat from the world.
It doesn’t matter if it was a long-term relationship, a short-lived cyber affair, an unrequited love or a good friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you cared and connected, you feel a deep and painful void where there was once laughter and affection. It’s like experiencing a small death.
Grieving over your lost love for a short time is understandable, but if you linger too long in the purgatory of how-it-used-to-be, your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you talk about your ex and advise you to “Get over it.”
You agree on some level. You know that you really ought to start getting on with life and move on. Every day starts with that intention. But every night ends with you wanting to call them, check out their Facebook page or look through old photos, just to feel closer to them.
Getting over it. Easy to say. Much harder to do.
And no wonder, because there’s a bio-chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.
Researchers who’ve looked at the brains of the lovelorn say that loss, especially rejection by a romantic partner, lights up areas of the brain that are associated with addiction. This can lead to psychological reactions that cause obsessive preoccupation with your partner, feelings of frenzied desperation, guilt over what you could have done differently and even physical pain. Letting go for good seems unimaginable.
Trust me, as both a relationship therapist and a veteran of countless breakups myself, I’ve seen it all and I get it. What I’ve discovered along the way is that you need a holistic approach to getting over a breakup, one that addresses the four core areas: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The following are highly effective strategies from the healing section my book using each of those four core areas to get you on the road to recovery from that breakup — fast.

PHYSICAL
1. Meditate, don’t medicate. Avoid overusing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and coffee and resist the urge to stuff down your feelings using chocolate and food. You’ll only end up feeling worse about yourself. In times of stress, having a drink or eating a quart of ice cream may be tempting, but doing so will only cause you to spiral down into a depression, lose sleep and gain weight. Instead, take five minutes to sit quietly, meditate, practice yoga or deep breathing.

2. Eat healthfully and regularly. Your body can’t function properly without the proper nutrition. Don’t skip meals or resort to convenience food. Treat yourself as if you were your own child — eat wholesome meals that are balanced and freshly made.

3. Get plenty of sleep. There’s nothing more replenishing to your body than quality sleep. If you are having trouble going to sleep because of punishing, pain-producing thoughts, try this: Keep a journal by your bed, write down your anxieties and imagine them flowing out of you and onto the paper. Say, “I fully release you and let you go. I give myself permission to peacefully sleep.”

4. Exercise your blues away. The absence of pleasure-producing endorphins after a break up can make you feel sluggish and miserable. Exercise increases your endorphins. Join a health club, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to work, do some yoga or take a salsa lesson. Make a promise to do something active for 30 minutes a day for 30 days, no excuses.

EMOTIONAL
5. Feel your feelings. Don’t ignore or stuff them down. Let the tears flow and express your anger. Ignored emotions will only make you calloused and afraid. One way of unloading your feelings is to write out what might be too difficult to say out loud to others right now. Or better yet, start a dialogue with your broken heart, asking this part of you questions and giving it the solace and attention it needs right now.

6. Surround yourself with smiles and happy vibes. Make time for some feel good activities — anything from having a cup of tea with a friend to taking the kids to the zoo to playing a round of golf. Be sure to surround yourself with people that will uplift you, not unhappy ones that will just drag you down. Studies have shown that laughter or just smiling has a way of lifting your mood instantly.

MENTAL
7. Stop obsessing. All those obsessive thoughts and instant replays of would of, could of, should of head trips must stop NOW. The best way to do it is to say, “STOP!” If the thoughts won’t stop, then say, “NO! STOP NOW!” If they persist, then continue, “ENOUGH! NO MORE! STOP!”
Saying “STOP!” interrupts the obsessive thought process and breaks the cycle of pain. Immediately, redirect your thoughts away to something good that is happening in your life.

8. Take a 60-second vacation. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am calm. I am safe and I can handle this.” Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.

SPIRITUAL
9. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you’re grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

10. Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. When you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment.

When you’re feeling down after a breakup, you may feel like you want to avoid the very activities that will actually make you feel better — exercise, visiting friends, being kind to those in need. As much as you might want to, avoid isolating yourself from others. Ask for help and talk to a friend who you know is a good listener. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don’t think of this as time wasted because you aren’t with that special person, but as precious time you need to reinvest in a healthier, more grounded and more spiritually enlightened you

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by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

If your spouse has had an affair, and is now willing to reconcile, you're likely to ask yourself, how can I ever trust my spouse again? And without trust, how can our marriage ever survive?

Without a doubt, an affair is the ultimate betrayal. An unfaithful spouse is fully aware of the suffering that the affair will inflict on their spouse, but feels justified in causing it to happen. It reflects a total disregard for their spouse's feelings, someone whom he or she had promised to cherish and protect for life.

And then there's the lies. Looking right at you and denying it all, getting angry that you would even think such a thing, and expressing shock that you would have invaded his or her privacy.

How can you every trust someone again who did all of that to you?

But the truth is, you may have more reason to trust your spouse after the affair than before it happened. How could I possibly come to that conclusion?

It's all about understanding how trust is created and destroyed. Trust is the belief that your spouse won't do anything to hurt you and will be honest with you. It assumes a level of care that forms a protective envelope around you.

I've written two rules that encapsulate the concept of trust. The first is the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If your spouse's behavior reflects his consideration of your interests and feelings, you have good reason to trust him to avoid doing anything to hurt you.

The second rule is the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know-your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. This rule adds an important element to the protection that the Policy of Joint Agreement provides. It guarantees transparency so that nothing that your spouse does is ever hidden from you. By following this policy, your spouse gives you good reason to trust that what he tells you is the truth.

Before the affair, it's likely that your spouse was not following these two rules. You may have noticed incidents of independent behavior where your spouse did what he or she pleased knowing full well that you would not be happy with it. You may have also witnessed your spouse hiding the truth, or even giving you false information occasionally. Whatever the excuse would have been for violations of these two rules, you would have had little reason to trust your spouse at that time.

But now your spouse has proven to be incredibly thoughtless. He or she did nothing to protect your feelings, but instead, ran roughshod over them. And your spouse was amazingly dishonest. It was only when your spouse was faced with undeniable evidence did he or she grudgingly and defensively finally admit to one lie after another, rarely accompanied by an apology. Considering these failures can you ever trust your spouse again?

One of the essential steps I recommend in my program of recovery after an affair is for spouses to learn to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty so that they can create trust in each other. Those two rules define the meaning of trust, and by learning to follow them, they would have good reason to trust each other.

But I have counseled many spouses who refuse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement after an affair. In other words, they admit that they are willing to let their spouse suffer so they can get what they want. When spouses of alcoholics complain that their drinking causes them to be unhappy, they drink anyway. Workaholics do the same thing. Their spouses' feelings and interests have little effect on their decisions. They do what they want, regardless of the negative effect on their spouses.

So if an unfaithful spouse is unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, I explain to their spouse that they should not be trusted. Why? It's because we should only trust those who are willing and able to protect our feelings and interests. Someone unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement is unwilling to do that. Even if a spouse has never had an affair, may not be an alcoholic, a workaholic, or any other kind of "aholic," if that person is unwilling to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement it means that it's only a matter of time before an incredibly painful act of thoughtlessness will occur. That person should not be trusted.

In addition to refusing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, many of the unfaithful spouses I've counseled have also refused to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They don't want their spouse to know their passwords, their schedule, their cell phone records, and other personal information. And yet, they tell me and their spouse that they've changed and now we can trust them. I tell them that they should not be trusted.

Many unfaithful spouses have demanded that the betrayed spouse trust them. They argue that without that trust their marriage cannot thrive. They don't use that argument to build their marriage, but rather to avoid doing anything to regain trust. They don't follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, asking how their spouse would feel about their decisions but instead insist that the spouse trust their judgment. They don't tell their spouse what they are doing in secret, but they want the spouse to believe that it is not anything harmful to the marriage. Demanding trust is simply a tactic to get away with further thoughtlessness and dishonesty.

Part of this problem is that spouses are often led to believe that trust is something you are required to do when you are married. You have to trust your spouse. But trust is not a requirement for marriage; it's a reaction to experience. It grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy.

Trust should begin with a commitment to be thoughtful and honest. Without that commitment, it's foolish to trust your spouse. Then, that commitment must be followed up with thoughtful and honest behavior. By following the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty consistently, a spouse would eventually prove his or her trustworthiness.

If someone who has a long history of dishonesty and thoughtlessness agrees to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement, that person is on his or her way to becoming trustworthy, in spite of past history. As he or she learns how to be honest and thoughtful, and proves it again and again whenever conflicts arise, it's only a matter of time before trust is restored.

How can you ever be certain that your spouse will not have another affair? How can you ever trust him or her again? If you build your relationship on the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty, you'll find that your trust will be based on the solid foundation of experience. You'll learn to be honest with each other about every detail of your lives, and you'll be firmly committed to taking each other's feelings into account with every decision you make. By doing those things, you make another affair impossible.

Trust can be achieved in marriage, even after an affair. When honesty and thoughtfulness has been proven over a period of time (usually about two years), trust is created that does not have to be demanded. It comes naturally and effortlessly. And when it does, you have more reason to trust your spouse than you did before the affair took place.

 

 

How to Make Your Wife Happy

by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

How are you doing in your quest to make your wife happy? If you're like most husbands, you often find yourself completely baffled by the complexity of it all. At first, you might have thought that there was nothing to it. Your wife (or girlfriend before she became your wife) was completely sold on you -- president of your fan club. But as your marriage grew, she began to express reservations. What once seemed like unconditional love has now become unending criticism. What's up? Yes, I know that all marriages are not the same, and maybe you're a pro at being the man of your wife's dreams. If that's the case, read no further and wait for my next article to deal with a topic that's more relevant to you. But if you were with me throughout the first paragraph, read on. When it comes to making marriage fulfilling for a wife, the "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" approach dominates the thinking of many husbands. In this time-honored line of attack, a husband simply does whatever his wife wants, in the hope that he'll at least have peace and quiet. But peace and quiet doesn't turn out to be that easy. In fact, the more a husband reinforces a wife's "ain't nobody happy" part of the equation, the more skilled she becomes in making him miserable. In many if not most cases, this "give her whatever she wants" approach to problem solving begins during courtship. In an effort to win her heart, he showers her with proof that he's the right one for her. No one will ever care for you the way I will. Then when she finally says, "I do," he's created a precedent. For a while, he tries to maintain that precedent, but one morning he wakes up to face the realization that while she gets pretty much whatever she wants, he's left with little to show for his effort. His wife might like being able to get her way, but he's getting nothing in return. So he decides to change his approach. Instead of giving her whatever she wants, he takes charge and makes decisions that are in his best interest. If she's willing to let him suffer to get what she wants, how about a little reciprocity? Why can't she do a little suffering to get what he wants? But his wife doesn't see his point. Thus begins the "ain't nobody happy" response that I mentioned above. That response, of course, does not endear her to him. In fact, it makes him wonder why he had tried so hard to make her happy in the first place. If she's unwilling to suffer to make me happy, I'll just make myself happy and try to ignore her. That strategy, of course, usually leads to infidelity and divorce. The problem in this scenario that I've described is in the goal of marital conflict resolution. It's a win-lose goal that starts from the very beginning of courtship. When one spouse wins, the other loses. In the beginning, he's willing to lose so that she can win. But eventually he expects her to do a little losing so he can win once in a while. When that's not forthcoming, at least to his satisfaction, he tries to win without her consent by making decisions independently. That's another win-lose goal. My position on conflict resolution in any romantic relationship is that whenever a couple has a conflict, their choice should not be between doing whatever he wants or whatever she wants (win-lose), but rather doing what they both want (win-win). They could avoid all of the unpleasantness I've been describing by simply accepting this basic premise. My goal for husbands who want to make their wives happy is for them to limit their choices to win-win solutions to all marital conflicts. And I put a great deal of effort into helping them learn to achieve that objective. Why just husbands, you may ask? Why not put equal effort into helping wives? Well, I'd like to be able to put equal effort into helping both spouses, but I usually find myself focusing most of my attention on husbands because they're the ones who resist finding win-win solutions the most. Women usually seem to see the wisdom of it almost immediately, while it usually takes men a while longer to catch on. My overarching goal in marriage is for a husband and wife to be in love with each other. And that goal is achieved by making as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. Win-win solutions to marital conflicts achieve that objective. Win-lose solutions do not. So convincing a husband that he should always strive for win-win solutions to marital conflicts is my first and most important step in helping him learn to make his wife happy. Even when she gets her way in a win-lose solution, it's not necessarily a happy outcome for her because she knows that he wasn't happy making her happy. I'm reminded of the Bible verse, Every man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). We feel the same way that God feels about giving. We don't want our spouse to give us what we need reluctantly or compulsively. We want it to be given cheerfully. So if a husband is to make his wife really happy, he should give her what she needs with enthusiasm -- just like the Policy of Joint Agreement recommends. It should be a win-win resolution to a conflict. Cheerfulness in giving isn't something we can force ourselves to do, and we certainly shouldn't fake it. Instead, we should discover ways to do things for each other in marriage that creates genuine cheerfulness for both spouses. When Joyce and I were first married, we could only afford to go out once a month. I thought it would be fun to try something a little different -- a Japanese restaurant. Joyce went along with my idea until we were served the appetizer: Seaweed and octopus. She burst into tears. We left the restaurant, and sat in our car until we were able to agree on another restaurant that we would both look forward to trying. A Chinese restaurant and the Policy of Joint Agreement saved the evening. That experience and a host of others that I had with Joyce taught me that her reaction to disappointment is far more emotional than mine. I would never have been that upset about a bad dining choice. And I care so much about her that I was very tempted to simply ask her what makes her happy, and go along with it, regardless of how I felt. But that would have been a mistake. We had to learn how to make win-win decisions whenever we faced a conflict. It's all about having an uncompromising win-win goal and a tried and proven process for achieving that goal. If I can convince a husband that their goal for resolving all conflicts must be a mutual enthusiastic agreement, and that the process of coming to that agreement must focus on mutual respect and understanding for differences in perspective, they're on a path to successful conflict resolution. First, the goal: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It's the Policy of Joint Agreement. Regardless of how trivial the decision might be, a couple should get into the habit of negotiating with each other until they come to an enthusiastic agreement. Capitulation on either spouse's part should never be tolerated. And trying to force your solution onto your spouse is abusive and controlling -- it leads to marital disaster. This goal is described in much greater detail in the Basic Concepts section of the Marriage Builders website as Basic Concept #9. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html Second, the process: Brainstorm possible solutions with respect for each other's perspectives until you are in enthusiastic agreement. I call that process, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation. Simply stated, these guidelines encourage spouses to consider each other's feelings and interests whenever there is a decision to be made. As lifetime partners that affect each other in everything that they do, they should act as if they are one entity. These four guidelines are described as Basic Concept #10. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html Giving your wife whatever she wants isn't the way to make her happy. Since you are now partners in life, and everything you do will affect each other, what you do for her must make you happy, too. Otherwise, she will feel unfulfilled and frustrated with your reluctant efforts. The same is true for the way your wife should try to make you happy. She should do it in a way that she would enjoy. Trying to force her to sacrifice her own enjoyment to meet your needs is not only thoughtless, but it is a formula for disaster. Whatever she enjoys doing, she will do often. What she doesn't enjoy, she will avoid doing. If you have a need that you want her to meet, be sure that she is a "cheerful" giver. Otherwise, your need will go unmet. As it turns out, sacrificing your own pleasure so that your wife can be happy is the way to make her perpetually unhappy. Instead of making her feel fulfilled, it makes her feel frustrated, and you are likely to eventually give up. But if you meet her needs and resolve your conflicts enthusiastically, she will not only be happy and fulfilled, but you enjoy doing what it takes to make her happy for the rest of your lives together. Do you want to make your wife happy? Meet her needs and resolve your conflicts in a way that makes both of you happy

 

 

Top 10: Reasons Why Men Cheat

Adultery has been around forever, and has always given us something to talk about. Most reality TV shows these days center on it, as do gossip mags. But we are far from cracking the big mystery: Why do some men cheat in relationships?

All men know, at some level, that cheatingis wrong. From the earliest age, we are taught the virtues of monogamy. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife," bellows our Judeo-Christian consciousness. Yet we still do it

blame it on the genes

In troubled relationships, cheating can be an easy alternative to the burden of a breakup or the agony of divorce. It's a quick fix for the sake of the couple's or the family's integrity. Some of us have even gone so far as to enact the long-distance code: If you cheat in another zip code, it doesn't count.

And with evolutionary psychologists telling us that we are wired to lay our seeds in as many women as possible to ensure our genetic survival, adultery is slowly becoming a defensible misdeed, which may explain why women are catching up to men in the game of infidelity.

Because of our insatiable appetite for sex, we men can sometimes only be as faithful as our options. Here are the 10 main reasons why some men will opt to shed their devotion and cheat on their partners.

Number 10

Your lady doesn't put out
Every man has heard that the best way to get a woman to stop having sex with him is by marrying her. Apparently, long-term relationships seem to suck the sex drive out of many women, leaving men gasping for fulfillment. With the need for more sex, some men will start "working late" more often.

Or it could just be that the sex has become boring. She doesn't want to try new things in bed, or won't perform fellatio. Some men may cheat because they don't want their girlfriends or wives to perform certain sex acts that would ruin their "good girl" image, so they get a mistress to take care of it. Like Robert de Niro said in Analyze This , "That's the mouth she kisses my kids good night with!"

In light of this, I call on lawmakers around the world to create an International BJ Day, where men and women get the day off from work and get all the oral satisfaction they need from their partners. I'll bet that this alone would cut infidelity by at least 75%.

Number 9

She cheated on you
So you found out your lady was being unfaithful, and the only way you can relieve your anger is by doing the same. For many men, this is the only way to get back at their cheating girlfriends and even the score. Some men might even cheat to get back at all the cheating women they've had the misfortune of dating throughout their lives; now that's efficiency.

Number 8

It's challenging and exciting
If you consider the women you sleep with "sexual trophies," chances are you have already cheated at least once in your life. Some men simply cannot leave behind the thrill of the hunt, the chase and the conquest. For other men, the excitement is in the variety, like changing ice cream flavors for one day after years of sticking to just one.

Number 7

You can get away with it
"What eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel," goes the old adage, and it still holds true, as long as there are no cameras around. The knowledge that no one will find out and no one will get hurt is reason enough for some men to grab a different helping. But be careful; as men get craftier with avoiding detection, women get more sophisticated with detecting, not to mention boosting their network of spies.

Number 6

It boosts your ego
Nothing lifts the old self-esteem like discovering that other women still desire you sexually. When in long-term relationships, men may begin to question their sexual marketability, which will lead some of them to sow their clandestine wild oats. Once a man knows he can get back in the game, he'll return to his mate; or not.

Number 5

The opportunity was there
It's an uncontested fact that most men can't say "no" to sex. Although guys aren't constantly bombarded with sexual offers, sometimes an irresistible prospect presents itself. Maybe it's a frisky ex-girlfriend, maybe it's a horny hottie on the dance floor. A guy may see it as once-in-a-lifetime occasion that might never be available again. Carpe diem , as they say.

Number 4

Your girlfriend is a nag
Most men have experienced at least one woman who thrives on making him feel like crap. Constant nagging, fighting and squabbling in the right ratios is the best recipe for a headache. Cheating with another woman is a common escape from this domestic hell, and works better than aspirin.

Number 3

Women let us
Truth be told, women are quick to forgive men for their unfaithful behavior. Maybe it's their fear of being alone, or that women are simply the more merciful ones of the human species. Some women might even blame themselves for their men's infidelities, and take steps to improve their relationships. The fact that many women let their men get away with murder might compel them to double deal repeatedly. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Number 2

She doesn't turn you on anymore
Long-term relationships have the annoying habit of making people lazy. No longer concerned with staying fit and attractive, a committed woman might lose the allure she once had. Her man may simply not find her beautiful anymore, and making love to her is not as stirring as it once was. This is why most mistresses are gorgeous, young women.

Number 1

You don't love her anymore
Alas, after a long time together, you have lost the feelings you once had for her. But the relationship has remained too much a part of you. Separating seems so painful, so radical that it's almost inconceivable. So instead of separating, you go elsewhere to get your physical gratification. Most times this does not help matters, but only prolongs the inevitable breakup.

your cheating heart

In the end, cheating is no joking matter. If you are cheating on your girlfriend or wife, it might be that you are unhappy in the relationship, or that you have issues that you should address. Look at the big picture and see your unfaithfulness as a symptom of a bigger problem.

Cheating might feel good as a quick escape from your problems, but it's only an anesthetic -- not a long-term solution.

10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex

Freud called female sexuality “the dark continent”; if that’s true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. But when it comes to sex, guys are simple, right? Not true. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, and as such, what you see and hear is typically the role, not the reality. It’s no wonder, in trying to please the actor, a woman loses sight of a guy’s true identity. Here are 10 “unmasking” facts you may want to know:

1. We Respond to Praise
It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.

2. We Fear Intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex’s Sake
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.

4. We Are Not Just Our…
The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.

5. We Encourage Fantasies
“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.

6. We Like It When You Talk
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.

7. We Need Your Honesty
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.

8. We Enjoy the Dance
Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow us to court you; make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance.” How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls “separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.

9. We Can Explain Pornography
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity and closeness.

10. We Always Need It, But Not for the Reason You Think
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer. “They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.

 

How to Have a Healthy Relationship

A thriving, healthy relationship is absolutely within your reach if you and your partner are willing to do a bit of work. Here's how to start nurturing your bond

1. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Save yourself several hours of arguing by remembering this one rule: it's not up to anyone else to make you happy. Sure, you can choose to be in a relationship with this person and derive joy and happiness from it, but it's not your partner's responsibility to dig you out of a pit every day. That's a tall order for anyone.

       Change your mindset. Don't expect that being in a relationship will solve all your problems —  it won't. Instead of expecting it to make you totally happy, choose it as something that contributes to your happiness in addition to other choices, such as hobbies, friends, family members, your job, and so on.

• Recognize depression. If you find that you're consistently unhappy with almost everything in your life and you don't feel like it's something you can change yourself, seek professional help. Depression can severely strain a relationship, and unless your partner's a trained psychiatrist, you can't expect him or her to fix it.

2.Devote time to each other. Make spending time with your partner a priority, even if it's a little inconvenient at first. Relationships need shared experiences to grow, and you're demonstrating that nurturing yours is important to you.

• Take up a hobby. Learning something new together can help you grow closer, as well as  discovering a leisure activity you both enjoy. Try sports like tennis or basketball, learning a new language, cooking, crafting, or whatever else you've been wanting to try.

• Find small ways to serve each other. Doing small acts of service for your partner shows that you're aware of what he or she needs, and you're willing to help out. It doesn't have to be an extravagant gesture: make dinner, take care of a small errand, or offer a foot rub at the end of the day. Don't make it a big deal, and don't automatically expect payback.

    3.Develop better communication. Most people aren't born great communicators — it's something nearly everyone has to work at. The way you talk to your partner might seem small, but you do it several times a day and it does have an effect. Consider these fixes:

Don't use directive language. Try to keep phrases like "you should" or "you can't" out of your relationship. You and your partner are equals, and neither one of you should have the authority to direct the other.

• Relay your expectations. If you expect your partner to do something, say it. Don't expect that he or she should read your mind, and don't rely on hints. Being clear about what you want gives your partner a fair shot at succeeding. (And keep the above point in mind: instead of "You should take the garbage out every day," say "I'd really like it if you took the garbage out every day.")
• Say "please" and "thank you." You should be able to let loose around your partner, so there's no need to worry about having impeccable manners all the time. The exception to this is asking nicely and expressing gratitude when your partner does something — don't just assume he or she knows how you meant it.
• Fight fair. Don't just let all these good communication skills go out the window during an argument. Try to get your point across in a loving, respectful way that doesn't seek to hurt your partner. If he or she insists on yelling or throwing insults, quietly request a calmer attitude.

4.Be realistic. Every relationship has disagreements and days when staying isn't the easiest choice. But what makes a relationship healthy is choosing to resolve those problems and push through the hard days, instead of just letting issues and resentment fester.

1. Review your expectations. Do you see your partner as a person, with both winning qualities and flaws, or as someone you expect to be perfect? If your expectations are so astronomical that no one could live up to them 100% of the time, you're setting up your relationship for failure.

• Accept that conflict happens. If you expect to be in a long-term relationship, you're bound to have the occasional disagreement. Remember that one argument isn't the end of everything, and there's no person on earth that you'd agree with all the tim

5.Admit your mistakes. If you know you've done something to hurt your partner, intentionally or not, own up to it. Humble yourself and apologize sincerely, without making excuses or justifications like "I'm sorry you made me angry."

• Commit to changing your behavior. If you notice yourself apologizing for the same mistake over and over, step it up a level. Tell your partner that you recognize this mistake keeps happening, and you want to train yourself to stop. Request help and ask for him or her to gently point it out to you when you're making this mistake again.

6.Practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation.

• Remember who forgiveness really benefits. Forgiving your partner absolves him or her, but it also frees you from carrying around anger and resentment. Don't view it as an entirely altruistic act — it's something you're doing for both of you.

7.Support each other. Being supportive means making your partner's happiness and well-being a priority, in ways big and small. Keep in mind that part of why you're together in the first place is that you're each other's biggest fans, so make sure you act like it. Try demonstrating your support in these ways:

1. Be a good listener. If your partner needs you to lend an ear, do it willingly. You don't always need to come up with a solution, just support.

• Offer encouragement. If your partner is trying to make a positive change, start a new hobby, or undertake a difficult challenge, be his or her biggest cheerleader.
• Provide a safe place. Allow your partner to be vulnerable in front of you without fear of judgment.

8.Practice the golden rule. Ultimately, having a healthy relationship comes down to treating your partner the way you want to be treated. Be gentle and kind. Apologize. Be slow to criticize. Give your partner space. You'll notice an almost immediate change for the better in your relationship.